Trading Our Pieces for Peace

Before you read any further, soak in this sweet truth:

"Even to your old age and gray hairs I am He, I am He who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you."

{Isaiah 46:4}

There is not a single moment where we are abandoned. In every circumstance, God is good, He is faithful, and He is there. So why, then, is there such a painful absence of peace in our lives?

Only until recently, I carried the bits and pieces of pain, heartache, and insecurities I've suffered over the past few years with me. As much as I've wanted to see them go, I've held on to them for dear life, believing the lie that those sufferings are my new identity. I've always been fully prepared to equip an unfamiliar face with the painful details of my past so that they can better understand why I am the way that I am, and, just maybe, give them a reason to run the other direction. I've built the walls around my heart so excruciatingly high, that only the truly devoted and curious may scale them for a peek into my closed off world.

And, oh my word, I wish I could put into words the pangs of bitter understanding I feel whenever I see a fellow human walking around with the same cloud of pain, fatigue, and broken pieces hanging over their heads. Have you ever just sat in a bookstore and watched as the people file in and out, going about their daily lives? Can you see the difference between the free and the oppressed? Are you able to read the circles underneath their eyes, and see that almost nonexistent plea for something more as they glance at you and quickly look away? If you look closely enough, you can nearly see their past riding upon their shoulders, whispering painful reminders of who they used to be.

Beloved, it doesn't have to be like that. I mean it. Just as we dump the change from our pockets onto the counters of convenience stores, we can dump our broken pieces at the foot of the cross. Maybe it's all we have. Maybe these pieces are our only possessions that give us any sense of feeling at all. That, honestly, is a notion that I think excites our Maker enough to make Him do a little jig. Why? Well, my dear, there is no easier way to fill up a person than when they are completely empty of themselves. Can you imagine the smile that takes over His face as you hand Him the keys to the dungeon you've kept your sad heart in? Even better, can you imagine those broken pieces being replaced with complete and utter peace?

Today, God has got me in a place of reckless abandon, and I can't help but share it with you all. The past experiences and current anxieties I used as the bricks in my wall that held my heart captive are being furiously destroyed by the love and faithfulness of my Groom. He has made me into a new creation, and I am not who I used to be. I have traded my broken and despaired pieces in for peace that transcends all understanding, and I encourage you to do the same.

"In my anguish I cried to the LORD, and he answered by setting me free."

{Psalm 118:5}

 

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death."

{Romans 8:1-2} 

You don't have to be weighed down by who you were, darling. Christ died to set us free from that fate. When you're ready to stop believing the lies, He's ready to set your heart free.


-Madison

Love Doesn't Play Games

Hello, precious. Let's cut right to the chase, shall we?

I want to talk about games.

I used to play lots and lots of games. They weren't very fun, but they were games, nonetheless. And whether or not I was competitive, there was just no way to win. I played games like:

"He loves me, he loves me not."
"Maybe he'll love me more if I..." (Feel free to substitute your own ending there.)
"He didn't really mean that, right?"
"I'm just being oversensitive."
"He says he really loves me, though."
"But he said that if I really love him, I'll..."

Are some of those sounding familiar to you? Even typing them out makes me physically cringe, because I know these are commonly played games. I feel like I am too often a frustrated on-looker sitting in the stands, watching as the game unfolds before my eyes; groaning as bad calls are made, and yelling at the players to get their heads on straight. Perhaps you've played a few of these in the past, or maybe you're playing one right now. I know too many darlings that can't quite seem to quit playing.

Why is that? Why do beautiful, lovely daughters of the King of kings sacrifice their dignity for a screwed up version of love? 

Love is consistent. You should not find yourself in the situation of heartache, simply because he can't seem to make up his mind about whether or not you're worth it. (Spoiler alert: you totally are.)

Love is not confusing. Believe me, if he truly wanted to pursue you and his heart was in the right place to do so, then he would man up and use every opportunity to show you just how treasured you are. Love will not make you doubt.

Sex will not make him love you more. It will only make him lust you more. If sex is the only reason he sticks around, he doesn't love you. Love is pure, and will not demand that you give up your virginity. Ever. 

Love is sacrificial. There is something about this world that really wants us to believe that everything should be centered around us, and I'm telling you right now that love cannot thrive on that concept. Love must involve sacrifice. If either one of you is stuck on the notion that the other must work to please you, so that you are simply taking and giving nothing in return, then it's time to go back to the drawing board and start from scratch, because it ain't workin'.

Love is sweet. It really is just so sweet. Your significant other should be sweet to you, and if they aren't, why are they your significant other? Love isn't mean and rude, sweetheart. It just isn't. You deserve more than biting words and sarcastic remarks. You deserve forehead kisses, and long hugs, and sweet nothings whispered into your ears as you blush from the butterflies that take flight inside of you.

Love doesn't give up. Ever. It does not give in, conform, or run. At the first sign of trouble, love stays. Do me a favor and forever disregard, "If you love them, let them go," because it is such a horrible example of the true nature of love. Love pursues and fights for what it wants. Jesus was murdered upon a tree for people that hate Him. We were all lost, and He didn't just decide to give up on us. I am pursued by my beloved Savior, whether I love Him or not. He fights for me and my life every second of every day, even when I am being an unfaithful bride. He goes before me in the presence of my enemies, even if I try to shove Him out of the way and say, "Thanks, but I got this."

 

Here's the thing. We find ourselves laying in our beds all day, anticipating that text or call, and making ourselves sick with heartache because we long ago pushed aside the truth that God is the most perfect example of love that exists. How can we even begin to understand passion and commitment, without first understanding the One who created it? We play these games that we won't ever win, all the while ignoring that, at that same moment we're wondering why he won't make up his mind, we are being pursued by Love, Himself. And Love does not play games.

 

So, why would you? 

 

 

Until next time,

Madison

To Future Me

Future me:

       You are beautiful. Stop comparing yourself to other girls, because comparison is a silly game. When you were formed in your mother's womb, God did not say to Himself, "I really hope she turns out like...." No, my darling. He formed you into a girl that is different from everyone else. He made you with the perfect amount of creativity and craftsmanship, and when you look in the mirror and cringe at what you see, He beams with pride at the beauty of His masterpiece. Every single time.
       Your restless wandering will not last forever. Don't fret when you struggle to find a place to rest your head; though you may feel alone sometimes, never allow that feeling to last, for God has never forsaken you. Boldly step into the unknown, and never let a small setback keep you from owning the day. "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go." {Joshua 1:9}
      Your past has no control over you. You are a new creation, no longer tied to the experiences that you once allowed to define you. You are stronger, braver, and better off. You are an overcomer, walking in the salvation and grace that set you free. The enemy will always try to use your past to bring you to a place of weakness and vulnerability. Love, when he does that, stand tall and say, "I am the redeemed daughter of the living, breathing, reigning God of the universe. I am victorious, and your words have no power over me."
      You deserve love. You've been stepped on, hurt, mistreated, broken, and forgotten. There's no denying that. But, my dear, you deserve so much more. You are a precious jewel, worth more than diamonds, and that will not go unnoticed. There are sad people out there that feel that hurting you will somehow mend their own broken hearts. Love them. Love them, and don't let their words affect your knowledge of the truth that you deserve & are capable of being loved. You deserve love in the purest, most sweetest form; the kind that forgives, and cherishes, and protects. You deserve the kind of love that sets things into motion; the kind that makes a difference in this world. You deserve it all.
      Love people. Love the people that love you, and love the people that hate you. Broken people deserve love, just as much as you do, and you are called to selflessly love them. Don't you dare decide someone else can love these people; YOU are called to. You may be the only form of Jesus some people witness, and that is an attribute the world sorely needs. Love. Love until it hurts, and then love some more.
      Love yourself. All your life, you have heard, "Love your neighbor as yourself." But darling, if you are not loving yourself, how can you even begin to love others?
      Forgive. Your cannot handle the burden of anger, for that is not how you were created. You were created in the image of God, who gives you more second chances than you can count. And, He doesn't just forgive: He puts it behind Him. Don't forgive and remember so that you can one day think about it and get angry all over again. Let it go. Forgiveness is one of the most beautiful forms of freedom that is offered to you.
      Pursue God. There is a not a second that goes by that you aren't passionately pursued by the Author of creation. When you are busy chasing after the things of this world, God is chasing after you. You are literally the most beautiful thing He has ever laid His eyes on, and you have captured His heart. "You have stolen my heart, my sister, my bride; you have stolen my heart with one glance of your eyes." {Song of Solomon 4:9} The things of this world will perish, but, your God? His great and unrelenting love is forever. You have never experienced a love more exciting than this one. So, what are you waiting for? Stop being a bride that cheats on her First Love with things that cannot satisfy; be a bride that is captivated by her Groom. Want Him as much as He wants you.

With love,

Me

     

This Goes Out to the Ladies

Let me just start out with this:

You are not defined by the number on the scale.
You are not defined by your past.
You are not defined by others' lack of respect for you.
You are not defined by your grades in school.
You are not defined by how much or how little money you have.
You are not defined by the way men have abused you.

You are a stunning, intelligent, lovely, and valued masterpiece.
(http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uWi5iXnguTU)

My darlings, you are more precious than diamonds. And hear me when I say this:

 

You are NOT an object to be used.

 

I absolutely hate Victoria's Secret, because the company & their models portray the idea that women are objects for sex; that we are to be lusted after for our bodies rather than treasured for our hearts. Young girls watch these commercials and are under the impression that if they don't look like that, or wear articles of clothing with "sex appeal," then they aren't attractive. And I say that from experience; I used to think I needed to look like a Victoria's Secret model in order to meet society's standard of beauty.

 

Have you ever been used? Disrespected? Treated like your body is the only thing that's of worth? I've been there, and I am not at all surprised at this kind of behavior.

 

I have seen men watch commercials advertising lingerie and sex on nearly naked women, and have witnessed the way their eyes are glued to the screen. We live in a society that tells men that it is normal to lust after ladies, and treat them as the objects they are portrayed as. I have sat by peers in the past that were openly looking at pornography and discussing why or why not a certain woman was "hot or not." I have been in relationships where sex was a constant topic of interest to the male, and, when denied, he tried a more forceful approach. After being treated like nothing more than someone who was "supposed" to pleasure a man, I lost sight of my real worth.

 

Here's an important truth that I cannot stress enough:

 

You are not defined by how poorly you've been treated.

 

For too long, I believed I was nothing more than a girl that would only ever be wanted for her body, because that is how I was treated by guys. Each lustful glance or comment from a sex-driven male further reinforced to me that I was simply an object to be used. But, that's not who I am. I am so much more than that.

 

I am a person. I am worth more than diamonds. I am so treasured, an innocent man's life was sacrificed to give me freedom. I am a masterpiece, designed by the greatest of artists. My body is the temple of God, and my heart is His dwelling place. I am worthy of affection, the kind that innocently sweeps me off my feet. I am capable of doing something great in this life. I deserve to be loved and sought after by a man who is attracted to my heart. I am not an object for sex, but the bride of a Groom who pursues me in the most passionate of ways.

 

Now, go to the above paragraph and read it again, but this time, out loud.

 

There will always be people that do not treat us the way that we deserve to be treated. Don't you dare ever let their inability to understand your true worth define who you are. Raise the standards. Know your worth.

-Madison

 

Take Heart

Yesterday was National Suicide Prevention Day, which means so very much to me. And as I browsed through the numerous posts on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter, I couldn't help but get a little bit emotional. The memories of my past struggle with depression brought a few tears, sure, but what really hit home was seeing so many other precious people fighting for their lives.
 
According to studies done by http://www.suicidology.org/stats-and-tools/suicide-fact-sheets: 

• Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in America
• In 2010, suicide took over 38,000 lives, in the US, alone
• Suicide attempts & successes have increased by more than 200% in people the ages of 15-24 in the past 50 years

If that doesn't get your attention, I don't know what does.

Now, don't get me wrong:

Writing "love" on your wrist and wearing yellow is an incredible display of support, and I absolutely participated. However, I also know that the heart of someone that battles depression and hopelessness has so many deeper issues than a day dedicated to supporting them can fix.

You can tell someone, "You are not alone," but that won't necessarily make their loneliness disappear.
You can tell a girl, "You're so beautiful," but that won't cause her to immediately change how she sees herself.
 And you can tell them that it's all going to be okay, but, until they believe it for themselves, the words just seem empty.
 
We should never stop encouraging, loving, and reaching out to these hurting persons, ever. But, their hearts need more than our words can give them: the ultimate issue is a lack of relationship with Jesus, and it's so vital to realize that without Him, it's all too easy for the enemy to feed lies into hearts & destroy precious lives. Suicidal hearts need healing and freedom, and those are things that only God can provide. And the beautiful thing about that is, He does. I am living proof of that.

If you are reading this and you struggle with wanting to end your life, can I talk to you for a sec? There is not a soul out there that understands the depths of your heart like God does. He understands that your life seems crappy right now, that you hate yourself, that no one seems to care what would happen to you. He understands it all better than you can. And you know what His response to that is? "...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." (John 16:33)

The battle that you are currently fighting, the one that you are ready to raise your white flag to, is a battle that has already been won. Not just the battle, but the whole war. Because our God has already overcome this temporary home of ours, we are victorious. These burdens of yours were never meant to be carried by you. They're heavy, aren't they? You aren't strong enough to carry them, but Jesus is.

I would not be here today if I hadn't finally reached a place of brokenness and weakness that allowed me to admit that I needed Jesus to take it all from me. Over a year later, and I am still walking in this beautiful freedom that only my Savior can provide for me.

I can't make you see how important and precious your life is. But I know Who can. That, darlings, is a journey you need to go on for yourself. Maybe it seems like I preached at you, or everything I said is cliché. So, see for yourself. Go look for God; He'll meet you right where you're at.

Whether it means something to you or not, I pray for you to find freedom from this struggle, every day. I pray that you'll be able to take heart, and see that you are victorious. And I pray that you'll one day have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, our Overcomer.

You're loved.
-Madison

A Shared Journey

Can I tell you guys a love story? One that is even better than The Notebook, The Vow, and all of Nicholas Sparks' other stories? It's so good, in fact, it actually intertwines with an even greater love story. It is SO good, that I am already in tears, thinking about what I'm about to share with you all. Would that be okay with you? If so, keep reading. :)

---------

 

This is my love story. Both of them. And yes, I am unashamed to admit that I am hopelessly in love with two men. C'mon, keep reading. It gets so much better.

 

I'll start with my darling, Chris.

I met Chris, a little over a year ago, at a camp I've gone to for the past six years. I still remember the butterflies I got as I looked at him for the first time. Which, by the way, was something I was so unprepared for. In fact, just a few days earlier, I had sworn off of relationships, and was even looking for an opportune time to end my life.

 

 

The moment I met Chris, God stepped into my life and said, "See? I told you I had something better for you."

 

 

Two days later, God set me completely free from the chains of depression, and set me on a journey to know Him. And with tears in my eyes, I am pleased to say that Chris has been a major part of that journey.

 

You see, my past "love" stories have, in reality, been "disappointment" stories; "pain" stories; "you are not loved" stories; "abandonment" stories. They were stories that I really didn't like, but couldn't put down until the end*.

 

*(Sidenote: You are stronger than you think; you have the ability to let go of the people that do not deserve to be with someone as incredible as you.)

 

Getting to know Chris was a wonderfully painful process, because I was unaware that I am worthy of love; I am capable of it, and it is possible for a man to love me the way love is intended to be. It is totally possible to be loved, even if I am a mess of a person.

 

 

Chris was put in my life to love me, and he has done so, beautifully.

 

 



We did not start dating until February 18th of this year, but, let me tell you, I fell for him the day I met him. And that is not an exaggeration. I'll admit, I was skeptical at first, but I am now a believer of "love at first sight."

 

I am finally in a place where I know how to love and be loved. I'm still learning, everyday, how to become a better, godly woman for this young man. We talk about our future together; getting married, what theme we want for the wedding, what song we should walk down the aisle to*, our kids' names, starting a ministry together, traveling the world with one another, etc, etc, etc.

 

*("My Dear" by Bethel.)

 

We aren't a perfect couple. We argue, struggle with understanding one another, and make a mess of things, sometimes. But I would never, even for a second, consider ending our relationship based on those small factors, and I know that he wouldn't, either. Christ is our rock, and we will continue to build our relationship and future upon our firm foundation, until the day we join our Lord in heaven*.

 

*(Just so you know, this is where the stories become intertwined.)

 

Chris wouldn't know how to love me, nor me love him, if it weren't for the love that Jesus pours out on us, every single day. Two thousand years ago, our past mistakes and failures were nailed upon a cross and crucified with our Savior. The love of my Father is so great, that He considers me, a broken mess of a person, worthy of being loved.

 

He will forever be my First Love, and I will forever be loved unconditionally by Him. Where the love shared between Chris and I may fail, our Beloved Father lacks in nothing.

 

Now, I didn't write all of that just to entertain, but to encourage. You may feel unworthy of love and affection. You may feel like your love story is a book that will never be opened. But I'm here to tell you that you're wrong. I did not deserve any of the love that was suddenly poured out on me, and is still poured out on me, today.

 

If you are tired, alone, and scared, can I share something with you?

 

 

Wait. God has something better for you.

 





 

I'm sorry, but Nicholas Sparks could never write a love story as beautiful as the stories I just told you. He can't.

 

Be encouraged, lovelies. You are capable of loving, and you are capable of being loved.

 

 

 

-Madison

 

 



The Wanted

A few years ago, I was in a horribly destructive relationship. My heart was just so unstable, and I was in no position to be dating somebody. But, my heart was longing for something that needed to be satisfied, and I thought I would find that satisfaction dating this boy. The two of us are friends, now. In fact, better friends than I believe we were before we dated. However, when we began dating, it didn't take long for me to figure out that we were two people that truly didn't belong with one another.

We fought. Oh man, did we fight. It seemed like we fought about every little thing we could. And it was so incredible to see two people that claimed to care about one another so deeply, fight so passionately. There was never any kind of physical abuse; it was all in the words. The biting sarcasm; the bitter and angry accusations; the pride.

Have you ever heard that saying, "Real love is worth fighting for?" Yeah, well, that's what my mindset was at the time. I thought to myself,

 

We're only fighting because of love; once we get over this hill, things will be so much easier.

 

 

So, what did I do? I did something very stupid.

 

I took the blame for everything we fought about.

 

Maybe that doesn't sound so bad when you first read it, but just take a second to think about the weight of what I did: "Sorry" became my native tongue. I, willingly, became his verbal punching bag. Even when I did nothing to deserve punishment, I took the blame, simply because I didn't want him to leave me. And it didn't help. Know why? It let him think that it was okay to put everything on me, because I was too dependent on him. And eventually, he ran out of things to blame me for, and he broke up with me, and left.

 

The one thing I thought I was helping to prevent, happened. He left. He abandoned me. He didn't want me anymore.

 

I wasn't seeking a boy to love and care for, for the rest of my days. I was seeking to be wanted. I put up with all of the pain and heartache, because I couldn't bear the thought of being left alone, unwanted, and unloved.

 

Ours hearts all crave to feel like we are worth something to somebody. I'm not just talking about boyfriends and girlfriends, here.

 

Maybe you're seeking to be wanted by your peers. Your parents. Your siblings. Your colleagues. Maybe your mom and/or dad left you when you were little. Abandonment is only too real to you*.

 

*(Psalm 27:10.)

 

We, as humans, fear it. We will do whatever it takes to feel as if we are wanted by somebody. Whether you take heartache on yourself to save a relationship that's suffering, or give your body away to be used by somebody that doesn't care about your needs or your heart, or let our inner insecurities rule the way we live our lives.

 

We want, we need, to be wanted. We need to be reassured that we will not be left alone; that we are valued. We cherish the thought of somebody not being able to live without us in their life. And one of the unfortunate downfalls of most people is the simple fact that they're conditional. They cannot love or want us the way we desire to be loved and wanted.

 

Can I let you in on a little secret, though?

 

We are the wanted.

 

We do not have to fear abandonment. We will never be alone. Over 2,000 years ago, the Son of God died for you. He couldn't bear the thought of you living an eternity separated from Him, so He gave His life. He did it for love. Not just the word, but for the love He has for you.

 

"I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you." John 14:18

 

When everyone else has left, He remains. Jesus is interested in you. He knows your needs, and He knows your heart. He isn't going anywhere. With Him, abandonment isn't even an option.

 

Beloved, you are the wanted. You have always been sought after with a love that cannot be compared to anything the world has. You will never be left alone, nor will you ever be abandoned.

 

What are you waiting for? Let go of your fears, and surrender yourself to Love.

 

 

 

-Madison